The Art of Poo
by PureWaterLily
Summary: Zetsu and Tobi are curious of the intricacies of human defecation. So they ask various characters about their stance on pooping.


[You are currently reading the vandalized version of the "Art of Poo".]

[Until the fanfiction administration have confirmed or denied that the former version is in compliance with fanfiction rules and guidelines, this version shall be placed to satisfy any reader's need to mention that this is a "list".]

* * *

_Once upon a time, there was a boy named Naruto Uzumaki. He was walking away from the gates of Konoha, ready to embark on a mission of epic proportions when suddenly, he felt a splat._

_His gaze tracked down to his sandal, in which he found an odorous bodily substance of animal nature, presumably those of a dog. _

_Since this was the eighth time that this gimmick has been pulled on him by immature shonen artists and directors, instead of drawing squiggly blue lines in the atmosphere surrounding his forehead, he sighed and decided to head back into the village and purchase a new pair of shoes._

_And because he had delayed his mission of epic proportions, Temujin's entire continent blew up in a catastrophic nuclear explosion. _

_To those who are unfamiliar with the name stated in the former sentence, do not worry, for no one remembers him anyway._

_The end._

.

"Wait what?" the white of Zetsu exclaimed in the outhouse. "What about our interview? The one promised in the summary?"

"There shall be no interview," said the black of Zetsu, who in reality was the soul of Madara Uchiha, which is a spoiler. "You see, going around to various areas, talking to an assortment of people, and getting a comprehensive understanding of character through dialogue, all to unravel the nature of human defecation, the feudal lords have decided, was not worth the funding."

A tertiary character stepped into the bushes to partake in the conversation. "Wait, Tobi thought the reason the interview was canceled was because the Five United Capital Kingdoms have decided to ban all lists in circulation, including grocery lists, to-do lists, alphabetical lists, wish lists, petition lists, chapter lists, table of content lists, MILF lists-"

"O, the commas! Stop listing this instant I say!" growled the soul of Madara Uchiha, stomping out of Hawt Topic. "And no, the reason _in story _is due to lack of sufficient funding. We simply do not have enough resources to construct a setting, redundant actions, and sentences of no use such as this one for the sake of paragraphs – err, I mean, buy cameras and equipment and stuff. So, we're just going to have to settle for the story of Mr. Uzumaki above."

The white of Zetsu and Tobi both dropped their shoulders upon hearing the disheartening news, until an inspiration hit the both of them like a really big thing that hits people whenever an author tries to use a simile.

They both ran into the field of sunshine and daisies and exclaimed to everyone within the main hideout of the Mafia, "Eureka!"

And thus, a diabolical idea was created.

.

Two days later, Hatake Kakashi sat down on the Chair of Interrogation Doom and gave his testimony on the art of human defection. Then Naruto sat down on the Chair of Interrogation Doom. Then to further the chain of events, Sasuke sat down. Then... a lot of other people.

At the end of the first rounds of interviews, an excited Tobi withdrew a piece of paper with writings on it that was suspiciously not of any listing format, and went into monologue mode.

"Tobi's been good! Here's what everyone said!

"Madara sat down and said, "Something that can only be obtained with much more difficulty as the body ages."

"Kakashi sat down and said, "It is a leisurely activity. Excellent time to simultaneously catch up on the latest issue of any book or magazine."

"Naruto sat down and said, "Uhh, well, it's all good except until you drink expired milk. Then you're stuck cringing on the toilet for hours and your ass starts to burn like fuck. A really rough fuck. With Sasuke."

"Sasuke sat down and said, "Naruto, you did not just make any sexual analogy between me and human excrement."

"Deidara sat down and said, "Like an explosion of the bowels, fueled with much gas, noise, and artistic release. Un!"

"Ino sat down and said, "Ew."

"Sasori sat down and said, "I don't poo."

"Hinata fell to the ground and said, "..."

"Lee sat down and said, "Hm, that is an interesting question. Like sweating, I believe it is a very satisfying activity that only proves your hard work and accomplishments!"

"Tenten sat down and said, "Personally, I don't like it. But I heard you're more likely to get cancer doing it in the sitting position than the squatting position."

"Shikamaru sat down and said, "Everything gets you cancer. Sitting is less troublesome."

"Chouji sat down and said, "It's not as fun as eating."

"Shino sat down and said, "Contrary to the above statement, a release of bodily toxin is always more pleasurable than its intake. Does everyone not agree? They certainly would."

"Kiba sat down and said, "You gotta do what you gotta do. Do. Doo-doo. Heh."

"Iruka sat down and said, "Downtime."

"Anko sat down and said, "Great to shit. Bad to get shitted on."

"Orochimaru sat down and said, "A (currently) necessary bodily function of which the said adjective within this sentence will soon be brought into questioning in the name of science, for some individuals have better things to do with their time."

"Kabuto sat down and said, "And have better uses for the orifice in question."

"Neji sat down and said, "No. Just no."

"Kyuubi-chan sat down and said, "Why the hell are you asking a spiritual body of malicious chakra what the sensations of physical bodily processes are like, fool."

"Zabuza sat down and said, "That awkward moment when you've been traveling for three days straight with no pitstop town in sight, and cannot do it somewhere in the bushes without the boy staring at you."

"Sai sat down and said, "Poop. It is a funny word. Poop."

"Danzou sat down and said, "No shinobi is permitted to jeopardize the efficiency of a mission with requests for restroom breaks, no matter how emergent it may be."

"Sarutobi sat down and said, "Evoked. Shinobi are instead advised to make wise dietary choices days prior to missions to avoid any urgent needs or infatuations which may disrupt their duty."

"Kisame sat down and said, "You know, I heard that in some far away land, they have these toilets that talk, spew water at your butt after you're done, and wipe for you. I wouldn't mind one of those."

"Kakuzu sat down and said, "For the sake of economic conservation, we decline any and all proposal to upgrade current Akatsuki defecation disposal equipment."

"Hidan sat down like a boss and said, "Don't be a motherflippin' constipated asshole. Them fancy toilets sound shittin' awesome."

"Konan sat down and said, "No Hidan, Kakazu is right. This organization is to remain on toilet paper for bottomly sanitation until further notice. Though I would not mind a fan installed after Deidara's last stink bomb."

"Itachi sat down and said, "When you get to a level of my status within canon, this question becomes obsolete."

"Pein sat down and said, "Ditto."

"Minato sat down and said, "Same here, though since I am associated with my son and Jiraiya, I shall nonetheless give my opinion: fiber. Fiber is your friend."

"Kushina sat down and said, "On the other hand, over dosage on Jalapeno peppers is neither a friend to your tongue or butt."

"Jiraiya sat down and said, "In the case of anal sex, always go at least thirty minutes beforehand, and wash thoroughly."

"Tsunade sat down and said, "On a similar topic, babies do not come out of the same orifice in which males defecate. I'm looking at you, yaoi fangirls."

"Karin and Suigetsu both sat down and said, "Challenge accepted."

"Sasuke sat down and said, "Karin, Suigetsu, you two have zero seconds to get your hands off me."

"Juugo sat down and said, "I go to the bathroom, because it's private and peaceful."

"Sakura sat down and said, "Wait, do guys get pleasure when they go to the bathroom, because it'll massage their prostate? Um, just asking for the sake of biological curiosity. Really."

"Gaara of the Funk sat down and said, "That is false."

"Kankuro sat down and said, "I'm not sure. It sure feels great after you're done."

"Temari sat down and said, "If it's false and they really don't derive some sort of sick pleasure, why the hell would the boys get all fancied up about this topic and keep talking about it with their poop jokes?"

"Konohamaru and Naruto and some OC filler named Kishimoto all sat down and said, "Because!"

"And Hinata just laid on the floor and said, "..."."

While the white of Zetsu and Tobi skipped on a pirate ship captained by pop singer Britainy UK Spears, lauding at their success of getting crap under the radar with the sole insertion of a non-descriptive chair, the inner soul of Madara Uchiha slapped his spiritual palm into his spiritual forehead.

"This... is not going to fly with the Five United Capital Kingdoms," he sighed, descending down the staircase of Sour Candy Mountain.

"Wait, Tobi forgot one more..." Tobi said, scrolling down his parchment of paper. "There was still Obito, who refused to sit down in the Chair of Interrogation Doom."

Madara stiffened. "Refusal to obey authority. Is that... _dramatic plot tension_?"

"Yeah, he was all "I don't have time for this, Rin-Rin-Rin, I have to create an utopia for Rin!""

Madara turned around, his eyes widening, "Within that spoilerific sentence you gave, is that... _conflict of interest_?"

"Yup, but we just wanted an answer to our question, so when he refused to give one, we killed him."

"My gods," Madara exclaimed, seizing his creation by the mask, "A climax and resolution! This story is now complete! We have characters, we have setting, we have have cliché plot gimmicks and everything utterly unnecessary that amateurs think a story must have to be called a story, because their grade school teachers gave them worksheets that told them so! And thus, global domination is in our hands, the power of truth and righteousness, the redemption of the trolls, MuaHaHaHa-"

_Thud_.

On October 18th, after much bizarre dialogue, Madara Uchiha accidentally tripped on a delightfully placed banana peel within the carefully crafted setting of the story, and died.

_And tis was all a dream of which Naruto Uzumaki woke up from before he set out to engage in his mission of epic proportions. That is, until suddenly, he felt a splat._

The end.


End file.
